Things I'll Never Say
by cnfzdpsychosis
Summary: Roxas isn't feeling loved. These are the journal entries that Roxas lost in Just Because. So as of right now the series runs Things I'll Never Say, Just Because, and Wasted Time.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: My first fanfic!!! Beta'd by A Spot of Bother

Summary: Roxas isn't feeling loved

Disclaimer: Don't own, Don't sue

Things I'll Never Say

My need to dream is a surprisingly strong one. To know that there is something worthwhile for me to hold onto, no matter what the consequences bring. But the pain of realization, knowing that the dream will never happen, that's a lasting hurt for me. But I smile and put up a wall to hide it. If it doesn't faze you, then I'll refuse to let it bother me. Life moves forward and so will I. You know that something is wrong and I guess you think it's silly. It always happens and the 'I'm sorries' are guaranteed to follow like a raging river but I'm ending the flood. It won't cut it anymore. I'm over it, or at least I keep telling myself that, but it still hurts. Regret…maybe, but it's fading, or at least I'm trying to will it away. Bad timing, I'm infamous for it. I'm also infamous for my stubbornness. If you don't want to know what's wrong, I'm not going to tell you. I know that I could scream at the top of my lungs and you'd stare at me blankly. Especially you, Axel. Oh my god, are you dense. Live for the moment and die free.

But this is my last effort. My silence. If it doesn't affect them than nothing will and it's no longer my problem though it shouldn't be mine to begin with. But I already know that the end is coming. I've felt it all year and maybe it brings about the end of our friendship as well. Axel never noticed it and that doesn't surprise me because it's Axel…what does he ever notice? But then again, what friendship was there? My patience and a listening ear to satisfy his motor mouth and inability to sit still for five seconds before moving on. And so now I'm sitting here and pouring out my thoughts in a notebook like some lovesick schoolgirl, trying to distract myself from the pain that I refuse to acknowledge is there. Whatever though. Graduation is coming and I'll leave this all behind.

But I have to wonder…how does this look from your perspective? Do you think I'm acting like a prissy bitch, miffed over such a trivial thing? I guess so, because you have no problem in ignoring me, making plans with her right in front of me. Harsh, but fine, I deserved it, but I'll never tell you that. You'll never know that there were so many things I never told you, so many things that I'll never say, even to that sanctity of darkness.

Still, how does it feel to walk by yourself? I'm slowly detaching myself from you, leaving your life as quietly as I entered it. I remember when we first met in the hallways, and it seemed as if you had instantly attached yourself onto my arm, forcing me to leave my solitude. But she can give you something I can't. She's sunshine and a light that'll bring happiness to your life while I'm merely a dark rain cloud. She's better for you and I'll be fine by myself, always have been.

I have to find myself, Axel. I need to know who I am without you and so I'm breaking. It's out of selfishness really. I've always been selfish and this is just one more act for me to complete so we can both go our separate ways.

But…just so you know…because I'll never tell you and you'll never find out…I love you.

* * *

Roxas shut the notebook, letting out a long held sigh. He may not have the guts to tell the annoying redhead that he loved him but at least he could write down his feelings and keep them protected. Staring out the window, he watched with a heavy heart as Axel and Kairi walked off. 'Yeah,' he thought. 'She's better for you.' 


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: So I got stuck in a jam and went through my stories, writting down a list of those that people had asked me to add more chapters to. And I figured since Things I'll Never Say _was_ the first story that I ever posted to ffnet, why not give it another chance? So here's chapter 2 and I _may_ (duly note the emphasis on the word) be writing a chapter from Axel's point of view.

* * *

How long has it been? I don't even remember. Graduation has come and passed and neither of us has spared the other a second glance. If I didn't have the pictures of us together, I might think that we had never been friends. I'll have to burn those.

I find it somewhat pathetic that we had been friends for those four years and yet in the span of two months it's like we never knew the other existed. At times I find myself wondering how you and Kairi are doing. Are you happy together? And just a few seconds later the anger and bitterness returns and I tell myself that I don't care whether you are happy or not. Maybe in a way I gave you an ultimatum but you made your decision when you let me walk away.

I didn't tell you, but I saw you a few days ago. I was leaving campus – classes had just finished – and there you were. I don't know what you were doing there; as far as I know you were going to state college, and I had never seen Kairi there. Did you know that it _physically hurt_ to see you? And I got angry. If we had actually met face to face I don't know what would have happened, but with both of our tempers it would not have been pretty. So I did what I've been doing so well. I walked away.

I don't know what you were doing at the college, but as I seethed I watched. You were waiting. What were you waiting for? Were you trying to find me? Tch, if you were, it's too little, too late. At least, that's what I would like to say. But I know that if you had seen me, if you had talked to me I probably would have folded and I hate myself for being that weak.

If I never see you again it will be too soon. I can't stand you anymore, and even worse is the fact that I can't stand that I still love you.

* * *

Roxas snapped the notebook shut. He was frustrated. He couldn't stand the gall of Axel, he had had no reason to be at the college. Letting a sneer mar his face he shoved the notebook violently into his backpack, zipping it closed and tossing it over his shoulder. Grabbing his water bottle off the table of the café, Roxas headed towards his apartment. He had better things to do than contemplate what was going on with a man who no longer mattered in his life.

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